Why You Are Still Single: A Facetious Article that Lists Everything You Are Doing Wrong and What You Can Do to Remedy the Situation According to Science

 

Ladies everywhere!

Want to know why you, fabulous you with all your charms, are still single?

This article has all the solutions to problems you weren’t even aware  that you have. For instance, did you know that women who liked math more than any other subject in school have a statistically higher chance of finding Mr. Right by their mid twenties? (This is all according to a study done at The University You Couldn’t Possibly Afford, so it must be Absolute Truth).

But you can’t be TOO mathematical, as other studies confirm that women who preferred majors in the humanities have happier marriages in the end.

But I’m not interesting in ensnaring a boyfriend, you might say. Read on! This article is for you, too, whether you want advice on snatching a significant other or not.

The next reason you are still single is because you are wearing too much makeup. Take off your makeup—men like the natural look.

But I’m not wearing any makeup, and I’m still single, you might say…

Well put on some makeup! Clearly you are not putting enough effort into your look.

But you can’t go crazy—no super bright eye shadows or super dark eyeliners. Not too much mascara. In other words, only wear makeup that makes you look like you’re not wearing any makeup. You need to blend in to the crowd a bit more.

But you actually need to stand out from the crowd a bit more. Science (from only God Knows Where) shows that women who are willing to wear ultra bright colors display that they are more confident than other women. The reason you are clearly single is because you are not confident enough. God forbid you are even just a bit shy around new people or slightly reserved—you might as well give up right now and go adopt yourself a bunch of cats.

Actually pet adoption boosts your chances of finding a great relationship, because altruism is the ultimate attractive quality, studies from various Scandinavian countries show. And you know you can trust all studies from Scandinavian countries.

You are also still single because of your food choices. A recent study from The University You Couldn’t Possibly Afford showed pictures of young women eating various types of meals to young men and had them rate the pictures for God Knows What Reason (and what Tenured Ass Hats are being paid to conduct such a study, anyway?). The participants of the study consistently gave higher ratings to women who were eating hot wings rather than the women eating salads. Therefore you need to eat more meat, because an unknown number of men gave higher ratings for reasons that aren’t even spelled out here to pictures of women eating hot wings in a study that isn’t even properly cited in this ridiculously, scientifically accurate article.

Actually, you need to eat more fruits and vegetables—because scurvy is NOT attractive. And everyone knows because of that study done in Germany several years ago that Vegetarians statistically have happier relationships.

Your being single has nothing to do with you being at a certain stage of your life or because it is by your own choice. Oh no—you are still single because you are too mysterious. Men do not like mystery. You must clearly spell out everything you are thinking or feeling at every moment to your prospective significant other—otherwise they will think you are playing hard to get and they’ll lose interest immediately. For instance, when you walk into a new room you must announce, “This room makes me feel happy,” or “This room makes me feel sleepy,” or “This room makes me want to go for ice cream, but not have to pay for the ice cream.” This is certain to captivate them.

But you can’t give too much away. Ladies, save all the excessive emotions for your diaries or solo viewings of The Notebook. Guys don’t like it when girls get too emotional—you have to appear to be human without actually being human. That’s the trick.

If you don’t find Mr. Right with all these marvelous tips, then you must not be trying hard enough. Or trying too hard—stop putting in so much effort! You have to put in effort without actually appearing to put in effort.

 

Let it be known that Molly Miller, the author of this facetious web article, put no effort into researching for this article, loathes the movie The Notebook, loves her adopted dog, wears too much makeup, and is still single.

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