My Facetious Resume

Molly Miller: Professional Resume

Phone: 555-555-5555 Address: State of Delusion Email: fakersgonnafake@fake.edu

Education: B.A. Stephen F. Austin, 2012; M.S. UT Austin 2014

Professional Experience:

Broke College Student, 2008—Present

Department: English Literature

Job Duties: Crying over my eighth consecutive meal of Ramen Noodles, bemoaning my future in a capitalist society, bargain hunting like a BAMF.

Key Mistress, 2010-2012

Department: Residence Life

Job Duties: When you were drunk off your ass and realized you lost your key at that awesome toga party on the weekend your roommate/suite-mates were out of town/incapacitated elsewhere, I was all that stood between you and the unalloyed glory of unlocking your door and passing out on your bed—before the desk closed at 3am, that is.

Awesome Unemployed Person, non-consecutive dates

Department: Pajamas All Day

Job Duties: Obsessed over job descriptions and font size of resume, practiced answering stock interview questions while pretending my dog was the interviewer

Student Library Minion, 2012-2014

Department: Dewey or L.C.? That is the Question.

Job Duties: General library awesomeness, getting lost in Perry Castaneda Library A LOT, discovering I don’t want to be a librarian

Bookseller/Retail Champion, 2014-2015

Department: I Like Big Books and I Cannot Lie

Job Duties: Counting cash LIKE A BOSS, cleaning up after gross people LIKE A BOSS, trying to hide my disillusionment with the retail industry LIKE A BOSS, making the occasional book recommendation (the highlight of any day) LIKE A BOSS, mentally shopping while re-shelving books LIKE A BOSS

Professional Skills:

  • Window Mural Painting
  • Last-minute skit writing
  • Amateur Choreography
  • Christmas Carol Singing
  • Mopping with one of those super old-fashioned mops
  • Getting credit cards to work on Verifone card swiping machines
  • Listening to angry customers/residents/parents without rolling my eyes
  • Determining when a key is just too bent to work properly
  • Scaring the crap out of unsuspecting Philosophy students as they crawl into the library at 8am with just a simple “Good morning.”
  • Bulletin board decorating
  • Book stamping
  • Telling kids (and sometimes adults, for shame) not to run or play or sit on the escalators
  • Checking for counterfeit bills
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